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please don't let this be happening again.

it's a week for the books in the life. i don't want to be here anymore. it's sad and lonely and every day is like this. every day i wake up and within an hour or two i am back to where i was the day before. i do it to myself, i'm aware. i rely on things and people to make me happy. but something so far back in my heart and brain tell me its this place. and i've wanted out for so long and joined the ranks of people who complain about buffalo and never leave. scared to leave, though. not sure if i'm unsure of myself or just my intentions. i am a spontaenous person and i do things on whims. i normally have regrets. on the other hand i am so jealous of those who just, do things, just to do them. because they're young and they have less than 10 more years to do all the things they want to do until they settle and behave and gussy up their lives. friends all over europe now, gone from buffalo, friends in new york that are sucessful and happy, gone from buffalo. 

since i got home from brooklyn i've just been different. not sure how or why really, i just feel it. it's as if i have been pms-ing for 2 weeks now. attempting to dechipher my feelings and needs and mental state. my future is always up in the air. i get hell bent on doing something and as quick as it comes into view it's gone. i've spent a good few nights with teary eyes as in old kayta and it's felt nice, i haven't cried in months, god, years, a real cry. being home doesn't quite feel like home and coming home didn't feel as welcomed as landing at jfk. 

i came back to stress at work. every time i miss even a day i vow never to again for the sheer stress of it that it will cause me in the end. came back to feuds and issues and grudges and. i just don't want to go back. i have no patience for anything or anyone anymore.

i don't know, i went there once w/ex bf, maybe twice, i went there with workies to do the christmas party, but this time i went for a work picinic which i held halfheartedly anyway, knew i wouldn't make it all the way through in the back of my mind. jakies and i left maybe an hour late because we're sleepyheads, dropped margot off at daddy's, fought over the ipod and pee breaks, but eventually we got to urban outfitters and after spending $400, we were sleepy again. back to le hilton, lovely suburbs, everything is close, and everyone is nicer. midwest courtesy, i guess. so fall asleep at hilty, fall asleep through our rock and roll hall of fame plans, fall asleep through our botanical gardens, art museum, everything plans. wake up at 9pm, off to get some dinner, sat outside beside cleveland yuppies who conversed about plastic surgery and real breasts, mercedes vs. lexus, various other interesting things. asked the server for an "espresso drink" which i meant "latte" by, and which i got "martini" for. slightly after i was riled up, melanie comes to hilty and of course it starts raining :/ look over flickr photos, talk shit, talk alot of shit, felt tummies, and went to the warehouse district to really soon after decide it totally sucks and left. counted cowboy hats, saw a real life man with knife, and stepped in puddles with my new overpriced shoesies from uo. so mapquest on my phone later, we head to a bar called "duck island" which is smack dab in the middle of where the fuck are we land, but when we stand outside we hear black sabbath and the bartender is outside and tells jake and i about how she had a near death experience with a man who just didn't understand the "no drinks outside" rule. inside and we sit on nice couchies near a cigarette machine, we talk about stuff and babies and cities and melanie has a stalker and i was jealous. last call happened 10 or 11 times, each time we schmoozed with the staff who we loved and who loved us, we decided we'd all get married and have babies. four or five drinks later, we are now plastered and calling melanie's stalker out on his theories which are rooted in absolutely nothing. well we yelled a bunch and smoked a lot of cigarettes, outside on the patio and the boy with the vest says melanie looks like a call girl, and that he knows he's in buffalo with his eyes closed because of the smell. we excuse ourselves back into the bar, back where melanie is still engulfed in conversation with stalker man, who now exposes that "that isn't what your myspace page says" and we all roll our eyes and groan and try and leave nicely. 

Show us some fireworks.

margot love

margot came home on monday. i got out of work per my fancy monday/friday schedule, picked up the boy and drove out to the country in the air conditioning, listening to donovan and chainsmoking, so nervous. a new collar and leash in the back, we planned on getting a boy, naming him eli, and brushing his long hair.

well, it turned around because even through all the leigions of yorkshire terrier babies, whose photos grace my desktops at work constantly, i fell in love with a mini dauschund, at first sight. she was sweet, floppy ears, playful, affectionate, quiet, rambunctious. her brother and her were in a kennel alone, and her brother was sleeping in her side, so their heads were on top of one another. we took her outside to play and within 30 seconds i knew she was it. this was my dog.

on the drive home, no accidents, an hour drive. she figured out what a window was about 15 minutes before we got home and was so excited. in the house, the cats weren't quite sure what to make of her. theo sniffed, junie ran, margot wagged her tail.

since monday she has had only two accidents in the house, sleeps with the cats, gets along with my landlord's huge great dane and husky, and walks perfectly on a leash.

i am in love.