because i don't make sense
since i got home from brooklyn i've just been different. not sure how or why really, i just feel it. it's as if i have been pms-ing for 2 weeks now. attempting to dechipher my feelings and needs and mental state. my future is always up in the air. i get hell bent on doing something and as quick as it comes into view it's gone. i've spent a good few nights with teary eyes as in old kayta and it's felt nice, i haven't cried in months, god, years, a real cry. being home doesn't quite feel like home and coming home didn't feel as welcomed as landing at jfk.
i suppose there are some people i can feel at home with no matter how long i've been away from them and now i just miss that.
it scares me to start over. it scares me even more to make another jump. always when i get tired, i swim as far as i can away from my present and try to be who i've always wanted to be. and a year later end up back and cold and alone and realizing that i will always be lazy, plain, crazy kayta.
but tonight i miss brooklyn, i miss arron, i miss scary motorcycles and courtyards and bodegas run by 10 year olds at 11:30pm on saturday nights. i miss sitting around the table with a group of people who have known me for years, stood by me, and feeling alive.
i drain myself.
