emergency rooms, doctors, sadness

it's a week for the books in the life. i don't want to be here anymore. it's sad and lonely and every day is like this. every day i wake up and within an hour or two i am back to where i was the day before. i do it to myself, i'm aware. i rely on things and people to make me happy. but something so far back in my heart and brain tell me its this place. and i've wanted out for so long and joined the ranks of people who complain about buffalo and never leave. scared to leave, though. not sure if i'm unsure of myself or just my intentions. i am a spontaenous person and i do things on whims. i normally have regrets. on the other hand i am so jealous of those who just, do things, just to do them. because they're young and they have less than 10 more years to do all the things they want to do until they settle and behave and gussy up their lives. friends all over europe now, gone from buffalo, friends in new york that are sucessful and happy, gone from buffalo.