please don't let this be happening again.
it's a week for the books in the life. i don't want to be here anymore. it's sad and lonely and every day is like this. every day i wake up and within an hour or two i am back to where i was the day before. i do it to myself, i'm aware. i rely on things and people to make me happy. but something so far back in my heart and brain tell me its this place. and i've wanted out for so long and joined the ranks of people who complain about buffalo and never leave. scared to leave, though. not sure if i'm unsure of myself or just my intentions. i am a spontaenous person and i do things on whims. i normally have regrets. on the other hand i am so jealous of those who just, do things, just to do them. because they're young and they have less than 10 more years to do all the things they want to do until they settle and behave and gussy up their lives. friends all over europe now, gone from buffalo, friends in new york that are sucessful and happy, gone from buffalo.
since i got home from brooklyn i've just been different. not sure how or why really, i just feel it. it's as if i have been pms-ing for 2 weeks now. attempting to dechipher my feelings and needs and mental state. my future is always up in the air. i get hell bent on doing something and as quick as it comes into view it's gone. i've spent a good few nights with teary eyes as in old kayta and it's felt nice, i haven't cried in months, god, years, a real cry. being home doesn't quite feel like home and coming home didn't feel as welcomed as landing at jfk.
