that's it. i'm not supposed to drink anyway. drinking makes me smoke (yep, i smoked all day yesterday), and i can't drink like i used to-- at all. last night we went shopping (elmwood, and sweet cheap niagara falls summit park mall for nostalgia reasons), out for thai, to see "the bridge" (which ill touch on), and then out to hardware, the pink, and "staples" i'm told its called, the new bar on allen. three glasses of shiraz and three vodka cranberries later, i was puking in a plastic bag next to my bed (again), shaking, spinning, crying. jake was breaking off tiny pieces of saltine crackers and shoving them down my throat and i couldn't put my head down without feeling like i was riding on the tilt-o-whirl. somehow i got undressed and went to bed and yeah felt like shit this morning, but was able to get up, get some water and gatorade, asprin, peptol bismol, eat a salad, etc. but about two hours into being awake i literally felt like i was dying and ended up throwing up again for 20-30 minutes. throwing up sober is something i haven't done in-- god i can't even remember. years, a decade, maybe more. i forgot what it felt like. and i hated it. i felt a little better afterward and went to sleep when jake went to work, which i screamed and cried to try and get him to blow off, but he wouldn't. i laid on my side and my tummy felt better but my dreams were ridiculous and theo must have known i was sick because he kept laying by my side and saying "brrrow?" and putting his paw and nose on my cheek. i opened my eyes and he seemed satisfied that i was alive and just layed down beside me and fell asleep nose to nose. woke up at 7 when jake came home for dinner, re-fried my spring rolls from king and i, ate two before i felt kindof icky, and laid back down. got my computer and googled "how common is it to vomit the day after drinking" and am not satisfied whatsoever with the results. am super scared that i'll throw up again, though i haven't since around 3pm and am assuming i got whatever was in there that was left over bad, out at that time.
moral of the story, i hate throwing up.
so we went to see the bridge at emerging cinemas (ahh the perks of dating someone who works at dipson!), and it was alot easier to stomach than i thought. the controversial moments of it didn't really send any red flags off in me whatsoever, and i am extremely sensitive about the issues at hand. the actual "jumpings" were so dodgy and because they didnt show the bodies actually hitting the water, it seemed sortof like a movie about bungie jumping or stunt acting. it was easy to overlook the fact that they were real people actually ending their lives. as a person WITH a mental illness and a person whom has dealt with suicide (once with a boyfriend, once with a close friend) twice in my life, i thought the points that were brought up ABOUT mental illness and suicide were really valid and things that maybe people (who don't suffer from mental illness or suicide related issues) had never considered. i also really liked the piece on the man who jumped and realized after jumping he wanted to live, survived somehow. he went into alot of detail about why he did it, his parents, etc., and when they interviewed his father he said something along the lines of "i think mental illness is a great disease to have because you CAN be in control of it if you try, unlike cancer or aids-- you control IT, it doesn't control you", this was a wonderful thing to address considering AS a person suffering with severe depression, ocd, and anxiety issues (for the past 10+ years), i've never been given the benefit of people taking my illness seriously or having it not degrade me. several friends, relationships, jobs, etc have ceased to be because people will tag me as being "crazy" or "unstable"-- and i've tried for years and years to expain to people that this is a disease like any other and that it is treatable and treatment is nessecary, though sometimes hard to access. the film also told the story of a man who had no health insurance so couldn't afford medicine or therapy, and jumped-- this hit home for me as well and i thought it was a really issue to bring a bigger rise to. not even just mental illness, but how many hundreds of thousands of people who have treatable illnesses but can't afford medications, kill them selves ever year because they can't take the pain they can't afford to treat, or don't have access or knowledge to cheap/free clinics? this one struck me, as it seemed like a huge huge waste of a precious life that could have been saved with maybe a couple hundred dollars. well, i really enjoyed it and do think it could use some more exposure.
no work tomorrow will be awesome.
