3 posts tagged “depression”
well it's been a roller coaster with this shit. about the fourth or fifth day of lex, i started getting worse. i just felt even more depressed and anxious, and had a full blown panic attack for the first time in a long time. i attributed it to too much caffiene at work, so i cut the caffiene for a couple of days and didn't notice any difference. i felt extremely overwhelmed and just generally sad. totally black, alone, awful. i had two or three hours per day of just feeling like, i should really just end this, just kill myself. i have never ever been suicidal before. this passed though and i don't feel suicidal anymore, but still kindof heightened in my depression.
i realize i'm practically always in a bad mood, it's annoying. yesterday i was still sick, though not throwing up (which was a nice change). i wasn't sure whether my psychiatrist appointment was at 9:45 or 11:30, so we got up at 9 and jake took an hour trying to chip every last piece of ice off of his car-- well, it didn't matter, the appointment was at 11:30. we went to some thrift stores in clarence and drove around the snowy suburbs and i smoked some cigarettes because jake can't say no to me. at the psychiatrist i couldn't even talk, which is rare, most often i am so excited to be talking to someone who doesn't think i'm crazy/understands me that i will go on and on and cross check facts i believe with what is actually true in medicine. but for some reason he asked me why i hadn't been there in a year and a half and i just told him everything had changed, no more mike or condo or science kit and he said "well thats good, those things were the things giving you the most stress, right?" and i told him "no, whatever is around me at any particular time is what gives me the most stress." of course i could see his brow furrow when i told him i had a new boyfriend (as he thinks girls that have more than one boyfriend during their teens or twenties automatically have borderline personality disorder). i told him i was mean to him for no reason sometimes, excessively irratitable, never happy, a complete overblown hypochondirac, and felt that 90% of the time in every day life, i feel that i'm being insincere. the appointment ended and i came home and slept. slept, slept, all day, all night-- until 7pm.
christmas was ridiculous this year, and for some reason all day i was in a crappy mood which meant i yelled alot and snapped and got in fights and various other nasty things. i did cry in a good way which i haven't done for a while which was refreshing i suppose.
